I have been hyper-sensitive to my snowflake brain for the past six months. I’m finally breathing instead of gasping to function. Others are picking up bad habits while I am living good ones. The shitshow that is COVID-19 has fucked with everyone’s heads and I’m terrified I will fall back deep in the butthole of depression.
I recently started my own company and I am gambling everything I have on it being successful. Maybe I am the crazy one after all since it is the biggest gamble of my lifetime. And I am doing it sober, so that is tipping the difficulty scale against me.
If you know me or have read any of the previous posts, you know I get political. Everyone and literally their mothers are currently political scholars. Instead of obsessing on the outcomes of adult games, I obsess over the shit that should matter. I care about how people are doing and how I can help. At the end of the day, I just want to know I helped someone or something or fucking anything!
I recently have had some medical concerns that have jolted my concentration on the things that matter to me. The business, my family, and me. I am so fucking focused on my shit right now that my health feels like a distraction.
But I have to say, I am finally living. Finally, I’m clearheaded enough to know what I want, how to get it and have a fucking fire inside me that frightens me. No holy spirit needed. None of the shit from my past is needed anymore. It fucking sucked and I am cutting my losses, but some losses you can’t lose.
Depression, COVID-19, gambling my family’s livelihood, a divisive election, personal health concerns, and tomorrow I will have some (extremely evangelical) family members stay with us for a couple of days. I love them to death, but we are oil and water. We are polar opposites. It is a perfect storm.
I am a ‘new Josh’. And ‘new Josh’ is done being complacent or gaslighted by other people’s fears. I will not allow people to fuck with my head. I am learning that I have been so passive and complacent for so long. And I am not going to allow that anymore. ‘New Josh’ is free. (Beastmode?)
I have exercised the demons!!! This house is clear. – Ace Ventura
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I can’t control everything that does. I had to break my brain and completely break my thinking to get sober. It was hard to break and harder to keep my brain shattered into clarity.
I’m gonna go break some brains.