One Fucking Word

One fucking word truly defines me and the headache of “the crowd” this word forces me into. One tiny, meager word, crumbles the facade around me and causes me to question everything. One fucking word helps to fuck up everyone else’s expectations of me, so it has been a blessing, yet a terrible curse.

Why?

The word ‘why’ makes me think of a toddler who questions everything. The genuine curiosity of the unknown world around them is awesome to watch, but fucking irritating to try to answer. We get tired of answering basic questions about trivial realities and occurrences since a toddler’s ‘Why?’ seems to feel too simple, or beneath us. ‘Cause we smart like dat!

My ‘Why’s?’ are much different than a toddler’s but they are still just as genuine, curious, and innocent as any child wanting knowledge.

I see the world around me like a stinky onion that I must peel to find the truth. The first layer comes off very easily and nothing really changes about the onion or even how I view it. The onion still looks like the one I bought at the store. Layer by layer, the onion starts to break and spit onion juice (is that a thing?) in my eye. That hurts. I keep peeling the fucking, now stinky onion, and things gradually get messier and harder to look at. With tears running down my face, I still just want to know … What is in the center of a fucking onion?!

I mean, why do I care how many fucking licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?! (3) Why does every new layer of ‘why’ hurt a little more than the one before? Why do my questions hurt others? Are there questions that we cannot ask? Why? Why? Why? I’m fucked.

Uncovering things that are true can be painful, so we do everything to remove the pain. We remove the ‘Why?’ and settle; not to upset our loved ones or to feel normal I guess. We conform to the expectations others have created for us. And at some point, the world decides we need to stop asking, “Why?”  Fuck that.

I love the stink. I crave the tears. It hurts good and I am at peace with the fact that my brain doesn’t shut off as easily as others do. It fucking sucks that one word can cause so much darkness and hurt. But can asking ‘why’ be a good thing?

I say, why not?

3 thoughts on “One Fucking Word

      1. I was never much of a Cobain fan. That’s a great quote about personal integrity. Many people just want to keep their heads down and go with the flow. 🙂

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